4 - Everyone Fucking Dies At Shrek n' Adam's Backwoods Halloween Bash
by knightoons
Summary: Shrek and Adam decide that it's time to add a bit of spice to their lovelife, so they host a halloween party in honour of Tracy Beaker. When an unexpected guest shows up and starts forcing everyone to eat 50 hot dogs at once, all hell breaks loose! Only one person can win the golden hot dog eating trophy. Will it be you? Click here to find out.


Part 1 - The Guests Arrive

Shrek waddled up the driveway to his sick ass onion chariot.

"Now that's what I call a ride!" he chuckled to himself. He peeled back one of the layers and climbed inside to find Adam, his one true love.

"Oh, hello there!" He exclaimed loudly in his sexy scottish accent.

"Evening, m'lord. Are you ready for the party?" Adam replied.

"You bet I am, you little fucking chump!"

With a quick flick of the wrist, Shrek and Adam's onion chariot rode off into the sunset. Evening approached like a lingering trump. (A Donald Trump to be specific). (Sorry if that last sentence was a bit too topical).

And so the two absolute fitties arrived at Shrek's holiday party mansion located in the swamps of Starbeck. They could see people already arriving for the halloween party! In particular, Penny Salter was making her way up the driveway. Unfortunately shrek didn't see her while he was reversing and he fucking ran her over!

"Shrek, that was a bit reckless of you!" examined Adam.

"Mind your own fucking business" Shrek replied.

Shrek, now at the front door, said "welcome everybody to me and Adam's spooktacular halloween party! I hope you all have a blast! Go easy on the drinks though, Farquaad!"

Everyone chuckled. With this brief announcement the party members flooded into the main hall, where classic halloween music played, such as Dizzee Rascal's 'Bonkers'. So many sick peeps were at the party. There was Tom Bartlett, Duke Ellington, Lord Farquaad, Tom Gray, Stuart Little, Sam Hamwich, Miss Seymour, Louise Fryar, Stella Barker and even Michael Rosen himself! They were all getting down and boogying to the music. It was bloody fucking sick.

Suddenly, the lights went out. Everyone gasped in shock. What in Shrek's name was going on? A blood curdling scream was heard. So blood curdling that everyone's blood turned into cheese! The lights came back on. Everything seemed normal, except for… TOM BARTLETT WAS MISSING!

"Where the fuck is Bartlett?" Stella inquired, breathing heavily.

"I don't rightly know." added Adam.

"Let's get to the bottom of this!" Duke said, "Look, there's a trail of blood leading to the living room!"

So the party of 11 wandered to the living room, where surely enough they found Tom B's dead corpse laying on the floor lifelessly. He was deceased. Tom, who was dead, showed no signs of life. Because he had died. Stella screamed in shock!

"Now calm down everyone," reassured Duke, "I've dealt with situations like this at the dumping grounds. We need to find out who the killer is!"

"Don't look at me" said Louise "It was probably John Seymour, he's always so violent!"

Duke knelt down and tasted the blood.

"Oh horrible!" shouted Michael Rosen. "I can't believe he's dead. Who's going to go next?"

Duke interrupted, "Guys, it's very important that we don't get split up. We have to- hang on a moment. Where the bloody hell is Stella!"

Stella had only gone and got herself a snack in the kitchen. Classic Stella move, that is! The group was now down to 10, because Stella was nowhere to be seen.

"Let's all go to the dining room, together" suggested Duke, rubbing his big black man boobs. The group all huddled into a crowd to make sure that no one got left behind.

"I can feel someone's boner!" said Sam Hamwich, who was craving a bit of ham. They arrived in the dining room, eager to solve the mystery of who killed Tom B. Duke decided that he had better go and find Stella, who was probably in the walk in cupboard. so he left the group to themselves.

Duke was now in the cupboard with the door closed behind him, but Stella was nowhere to be seen. He turned around slowly, and saw a shadowy figure in the corner of his vision.

Part 2

Duke Ellington collapsed to the floor.

"Duke get up you fat brown ogre" Lord Farquaad screamed.

"My...blood...sugar levels...I need...food"

Duke, lying in a pool of his own sweat, started to shake like a supersonic seven year old when suddenly Sam Hamwich decided to actually say something.

"This man needs some ham! He's having ham withdrawal symptoms! I'll get him to the kitchen. Michael help me won't you?"

"...No!" he said while flicking his dominant finger at him.

A long pause took place while Duke was still having an outburst on the floor before Sam Hamwich dragged him along to the kitchen.

30 minutes passed before he finally made it to the kitchen because Duke is really heavy and obese. Sam started throwing pans across the room rapidly sounding like chica in five nights at freddys when he came across the prize he was looking for; ham. Sam jumped across the other side of the room and started to feast upon the uncooked ham he found rotting in a cupboard.

"Guys none of you are dead are yo- SAM!" John Seymour exclaimed.

Sam did not pause to stop eating his uncooked meat as he was covered in the blood and juices from the ham.

"Sam are you eating Duke?" John Seymour asked.

"I'm...over here…" Duke wheezed

"Oh right." John Seymour searched through the cupboards. "Where did you find the ham from, Sam? You were meant to give a bit to...to...oh my god"

John took a step back. What lay in front of him were the remains of a human body. The face looked recognisable to John Seymour.

"...Did you just eat Stella?..."

Sam rose up from the leftover bones, wiped his face with his sleeve and replied.

"No! I was just eating some meat I found"

"SAM YOU ATE STELLA!"

All of a sudden, the lights switched off. An abrupt scream was heard before the lights turned on again soon after.

"Oh my god…"

Duke was found lying on the ground dead in front of Sam and John Seymour with a massive bitten chunk missing out of the side of his neck.

"SAM DID YOU EAT DUKE?"

"No! Duke has diabetes type both 1 and 2. I wouldn't want to catch that."

"I have no reason to believe you aren't the killer, Sam. I'm going to go tell the others."

"No! We're staying in here. I'm not letting you tell the others I'm the killer".

"John Seymour hasn't come back yet and it's been about an hour now!" cried Shrek.

Lord Farquaad began to laugh ominously.

"That's Clever Shrek. Very Clever. We _all_ know you're _totally innocent._ "

"Aye, and what's that meant to mean, Laddie?"

"Well Shrek, you invited us all here. You're the only one who knows their way around here. it is clearly you who is to blame!"

"I want to go home" cried Michael.

"Farquaad can you shut up for chroist sake. I'm not the killer. I'm innocent!"

"...Shrek you killed Penny." said Adam.

Shrek **slammed** his massive green hand on the table and shouted.

"I'm NOT the killer! Farquaad, let's discuss this in the bathroom.

While Shrek and Farquaad walked off Tom picked up Stuart and whispered into his tiny rat holes " Stuart, we all know Shrek's the killer. We need to get out of here now! No one has come back from the kitchen and there is no way out! Our only hope now is to go to the basement!"

"That sounds like a great idea!" Stuart replied.

They hurriedly rushed down to the basement before the others could notice.

A few moments later, Shrek opened the bathroom door.

"Guys we came to the conclusion that the only possible murderer could be… Stuart Little!"

"Oh. He went off somewhere and so did Tom. We think they might have died." Adam said.

"Oh for chog sake."

"Where is Farquaad?" Michael asked.

"He said he wanted to have a bath to calm his nerves".

Shrek knocked on the door.

"Farquaad? You didn't die did you? Farquaad?"

He pushed the bathroom door open to reveal Farquaad in a full bathtub with a cinder block on his chest. The words 'drowning for art' were written in blood above his body.

"I don't get it" Michael yelled.

"Well it's art" Adam replied "You aren't meant to get it."

"It looks like one of Louise's GCSE art projects." Shrek stated.

Adam looked angrily towards Shrek "You are obviously the killer. Penny, now Farquaad! Those are two deaths I have practically witnessed!"

"...Guys. I'm illiterate" Shrek said quietly.

"...What?"

"I can't read or write".

There was a long awkward pause.

"...Oh…"

"I grew up in a swamp"

"Sorry Shrek for accusing you"

"It's Okay..."

"Erm...right let's help Farquaad".

They all rushed over into the bathroom to help his poor innocent soul out the tub but it was too late. Farquaad was dead. He died a martyr for the cause of meaningful art.

"Banksy would be proud" Shrek said as a single tear poured down his face for his one true enemy.

Part 3 - Basement

A mysterious mist flowed up Stuart's nostrils. Tom Gray licked his lips and stepped inside. It was darker than a night at Freddy's pizzeria! Stuart Little's feet stuck to the floor like super glue, how inconvenient! Anyways. Stuart flung out his chicken wings and said, "Over there, Tom! A flashlight!"

Tom whipped his snapback onto his greasy hair and grabbed the torch. "Wowcher!" he exclaimed.

"Go on! Turn it on!" whispered Stuart, excitedly.

Tom carefully flicked the switch. Nothing happened. He kept flicking and flicking until his fingers went numb.

"It just wont turn on." sighed Tom.

"That's okay! While you were trying to turn it on, I found some batteries!"

"Sick, good job Stuart!"

Stuart snatched the torch from Tom's cheese-coated fingers and forced the new batteries into it.

"Should work this time." Stuart said with a little positivity.

The two rascals made their way down the creaky stairs, spooky! Cobwebs stuck to their hair, spiders crawled up their arms and cockroaches wiggled across their toes!

"Can't believe this place."

"Spooky right?"

Tom brushed the dust off the counter that lay there. Stuart pointed the flashlight in all directions hoping to see something of need. A few moments later, they heard a bang from upstairs.

"Holy piss!" Tom screamed as he wet himself.

"It's fine! Probably the wind slammed a door again!"

"Better fucking be the wind!"

Tom had brown stains in his pants now which was not a polite sight for Stuart as he was looking for evidence that something may have happened before. He waved his flashlight over something that startled him.

"Tom, I'm going to need a hand here."

Stuart stepped closer.

"Tom, are you even listening to me?"

Stuart turned around and waved the light as a signal.

"Honestly Tom, I really need you to help me!"

There was still no response from Tom. A shiver shook Stuart's spine. He couldn't believe what was happening around him. Blood dripped from the wall, a trail was left as if a body had been dragged. Stuart followed the sticky, slimy trail that led the blood across the floor. He sniffed the air, it smelt like Tom's deodorant. Stuart accidently put his foot in the wrong place, it stuck him to the blood and as he took another step, he fell, causing his glasses to shatter on the floor as they collided.

"Drat!"

He got back up, brushed himself down and took a huge breath. Stuart reached for the torch again and fell a second time, this time he could hear a voice.. muffled, but it rang in his head.

"Please help me." cried Stuart. But it was too late. The killer had found Tom and Stuart. They were gone.

Part 4

The remaining 6 members of the party had now made their way into the attic. There were smelly rats everywhere! GROSS! Michael Rosen was physically quivering, but Sam Hamwich was still craving a bit of ham! Adam and Shrek were comforting each other. John Seymour appeared ready to go, but he was secretly shitting himself. Louise seemed suspiciously unphased by the whole thing.

"Okay guys, I think we're safe up here" said Sam Hamwich. "Maybe we should just get some rest. Let's go to sleep."

"Suspicious." Said Adam. "We've seen countless people die tonight, and all you can think about is getting your big hispanic sausages on a slice of ham!"

"Are you saying I'm the killer?"

"What I'm saying is that I wouldn't be surprised if this whole thing was a plan to get your hands on the most premium type of ham….. human ham."

"That's abso-fucking-lutely ridonkilous!" Shrek interrupted.

"You know it is, Shrek" confirmed Sam. "Because I know who the real killer is."

Everyone gasped. Tension filled the room. Who had killed all the other members of the party?

"It was me" said Louise. "My plan would have gone perfectly if it wasn't for this sweaty ham fucker!"

"It was you?" said John Seymour, shocked to the bone(r).

"Yes, and I'll tell my story now. When I was asked to go to this party, I was so excited. But not because I wanted to get absolutely smashed and bring out the bants. It was because I noticed that my old rival Tom B was going to be here. It would have been simple. Just a quick nip slip of the wrist and Tom B would be dead. I wanted to avenge the classic fitty Andrew Leith. I flicked off the lights, and took Tom B into the kitchen, where I stabbed him in the face. But that fat fuck Stella was in the kitchen eating a bacon sarnie and watched me do it! So, I had to kill Stella and hide her body in the cupboard. She was so big that there was no more room to hide tom, so I had to drag his body back through the main hall and into the living room, leaving a trail of blood. I quickly slipped into the group before the lights got turned back on. Duke, with his leadership skills, was getting dangerously close to figuring out who the killer was, so when we were in the dining room I went into the walk in cupboard to stab him. He didn't last long, the fat fuck. Sam Hamwich got his hands on a piece of ham in the cupboard. Little did he know that was actually a slice of Duke that I had prepared earlier. Gross! He could taste my cheesy fingerprints and knew it was me, but he kept quiet to save himself. This is the part where lord Farquaad comes in. Shrek, you insulted my GCSE art project. So I set up a trap in the bathroom to drop a cinder block on your chest. But Lord Farquaad activated the trap instead. I quickly slipped away from the bathroom while you two were getting busy. I saw this as an opportunity to escape, but I got lost and ended up in the basement, where I met Tom G and Stuart Little. It would have been suspicious if they saw me on my own, so I had to kill them both. I finally met up with you guys and here we are."

"Hang on" Michael Rosen said after a brief pause, "that doesn't explain what happened to Penny Salter!"

"Actually Adam and I ran over her in the first part lol. soz about that." Shrek said.

"Now that I have told you my story," Louise continued, "I have to kill the rest of you." She pulled out a knife and leapt forward. Luckily Shrek had his emergency onions and threw them at louise. She missed her victims and sliced the onions instead, causing her to cry.

"Bloody hell Shrek! How did you know I have sensitive tear ducts!" She screamed.

"Every ogre has his way." Shrek said heroically. Louise melted into a pile of tears, blood, sweat and semen. She was finally done for, and the curse was lifted. The remaining 5 members were finally free. The sun was coming up.

Shrek, Adam, Michael, John Seymour and Sam sat outside on a moss covered swamp log. It was now morning. They spoke to two police officers. The police officer asked them some questions, writing things down in a notebook.

"It was pretty fucking terrific!" said Adam.

"If it was so great" said the police officer, "then why didn't you invite us!" The officers ripped off their uniforms to reveal that it was in fact Leigh and Joe!

"whoops! I forgot to add you two to my list!" said Shrek.

"That's alright shrek, just don't let it happen again."

They all chuckled.

THE END.


End file.
